By Taylor Maliblahblah
1) Tell yourself that you are 30 years old and it is high time you hosted a turkey dinner with all the works.
2) Realize that 17 people will be feasting on your debut turkey. Recall that you only have comfortable seating for six.
3) Panic. Call your Mom. Surely she will not mind bringing extra tables and chairs.
4) Look at your calendar. You have 4 days before the event. You have heard “rumors” that frozen turkeys must thaw in the fridge for days on end before becoming a tasty meal.
5) Panic. Call your dad. He will surely know the 4-1-1 on the turkey sitch.
6) Bear in mind that you do not know how to actually cook a turkey.
7) Panic. Call Dad. Take notes.
8) Remember that the people will want stuffing with their turkey. Guess who’s never made stuffing before?
Go ahead. Guess.
9) Panic. Call Mom. Take notes.
10) Count your drinking glasses. You don’t have enough drinking glasses.
11) Panic. Call Mom. She suggests mason jars. Teller has MILLIONS of mason jars. Moms are brilliant. I cannot tell a lie.
12) Panic just to panic. Call Mom. Realize you might be acting a bit “needy” when mother asks:
“Taylor, do you want me to just host this thing?”
13) Remember that you don’t know how to make gravy.
14) Panic. Call Mom. Enlist her to make gravy when she arrives at your humble abode with not enough seating and/or drinking glasses.
15) On the night before the event, call your Dad no less than 8 times to make sure you know what you are doing.
Dads love chit-chatting on the phone. Didn’t you know?
15) On the morning of the event, make sure to drink plenty of coffee. There is nothing like facing a raw turkey carcass at 7 in the morning.
You almost feel like you need to be properly introduced to the pathetic creature before grabbing its wings and stuffing vegetables into its cavity.
16) Have a second cup of coffee. You deserve it.
17) Take a picture and send it to your dad. Because everyone wants to be texted this juicy photo during the wee hours of Easter morn.
Surely he was proud of his “independent” 30-year-old daughter.
18) Now that it is the day of the blessed event, you must kick it to turbo speed in order to get everything done.
Notice your husband is driving you insane, what with the constant wrestling/tickling/candy-feeding of the children.
Tell you husband to take the 3 younger children and GO OUTSIDE while you and your eldest get ‘er done.
19) Can I just say that without the help of that 9-year-old girl I would not have gotten it all done?
Holla, Sweet Pea! Holla!
*We interrupt this “helpful” list to remind you that when you are using crockpots, it is important to remember to PLUG THE CROCKPOT IN before turning it on and forgetting about it.
Ask me how I know.
20) Guests arrive. Everything is going smoothly, albeit delayed because someone may or may not have forgotten to plug in a few crockpots. Listen as guests thank your husband for all his hard work.
Decide you will throw a toaster at your husband’s head when you hear him reply:
“Oh, no problem! Well, Taylor did some of the work, too.”
21) Remember that throwing small appliances at your spouse’s head is generally frowned upon during most social situations.
22) Drink more coffee. Let it go.
23) Don’t panic when your youngest son comes out into the dining area wearing nothing but a cowboy hat and a polo shirt.
And I mean nothing.
24) Don’t panic when your youngest son goes outside and drops his drawers and relieves himself on the deck in plain sight of all your Easter guests.
25) Just drink more coffee. Let it go. Yes. It is true that your guests saw your son’s private areas on two different occasions during your “classy” event.
Surely they found it endearing.
26) Smile when your husband pats on the shoulder and says:
“Good job, hon. You did it.”
27) Feel bad for previously imagining a toaster careening through the air at his head.
28) After the guests leave and the house is put back in order, feel free to put your kids to bed at 7pm while you veg out and eat their Easter candy.
It’s perfectly reasonable and well-deserved.
Happy Monday!
Sweet. Sounds like you pulled it off despite a typical day in your household. 🙂
I know much about the constant wrestling/tickling/candy-feeding of the children. I’ve never thought of including the father when sending them outside–I’ll have to try that one!
And this…all of this…is why I will never volunteer to host family dinner. But look at you go!
Way to go!!!!! How did the turkey turn out? The last time I made a turkey was Thanksgiving and I will never forget the moans of ecstasy when my eldest son took his first bite. That sound and the look on his face totally made it all worth it. Raw poultry gives me the heeby geebies. I must have washed my hands, the kitchen counter, and the sink 20 times that day.
Laughing.. as usual! My favorite part is ‘listen to guests thank your husband’ .. LOL
I bet it was an Easter to remember – and you can so use the peeing on the deck incident later to make your adult son do things for you. Unless, of course, the Maliblahblah’s are proud of things like that.. never mind.
When my Grandmother would come over, she would always thank my dad for “letting Sherry cook such a nice dinner.”
Which, of course, infuriated my mom.
Sounds like the perfect day to me! Excellent job.
he he he….phew! That was exhausting! But look at you! You are all adult-like now! 😉 Nicely done, Teller, nicely done.
17 people! That is a small army. Good job, pretty lady!
I would have thrown the toaster at that exact moment so be proud you only thought of it. hee hee
Ah you made me chuckle so hard this morning, midday,whatever. Reminded me of when my nephew Charlie was being potty trained and my brother had the brilliant idea of teaching him to pee outside on a tree. For two years that boy peed evertime he went outside, and it did not matter where we were when we went outside, he flashed many a stranger let me tell you lol.
Yeah, husbands have a habit of taking the credit, I’ve noticed. Highlight of our weekend? Justas projectile vomiting down Grandma’s cleavage. My brother laughed so much he nearly gave himself a hernia.
I ♥ this!
Surely you just glossed over the part where moments before your guests arrive your family fans out to lift every toilet seat, use every guest towel, remove every throw pillow from every available surface and eat crackers on your shiny clean floor? No? That only happens here?
Darnit.
Hey, way to go Hostess! Sounds like you nailed it! When you are 50 and look back on your first turkey dinner that you hosted, you will ask yourself what you were thinking to offer to do this with 4 small-ish kids in the house, then you will feel an eensy bit proud of yourself that you managed to do this (and rightly so!) Good job!
Thanks for the laugh! I really enjoyed your post. New follower! 🙂
It really was “no sweat”, right? You could do this next time with a blindfold on and one…no, two…hands tied behind your back. And the youngest son’s brilliant performance just adds to the ambiance and remembrance of this year’s Easter event. It’s hard to think of a better way to spark “remember when” conversation at the next function you hold. He should be suitably embarrassed by the tenth year of such family get-togethers…yeah, he’ll be 12, that should do it for him!
Thanks for inviting us all, through writing, to join you this year.
Ugh! Well I’m out at number 1. 😉 Love your humor as always and you have such a cool way of looking at things.
Oh and btw- is it worse when your little girl tries to pee of the deck in front of your inlaws because she saw her brothers do it so often? Hahaha! Yes, that was my Easter surprise. lol
How to host a dinner party that big? Easy – reservations!! LOL. When all of my family gets together, there’s 13 unless of course we invite extended family too, and friends. This year my friend invited us over so I just had to bring my famous carrot cake and the broccoli salad (recipes will be posted this week)
Taylor, you made tears come to my eyes, as my child of equal age does in fact enjoy parading in his b-day suit…so I feel your pain.
Great post! I stopped by as part of the A to Z challenge. It sounds like you had an eventful Easter!
Lindsey
what a great day! (minus “help” from LJ)
props to Sweat Pea. You should let her plan and prep one dinner meal a month, (the others will clamor to get in on this deal, too) which increases in frequency to weekly, pretty soon your kids are doing the fancy meal for 17. Holla, homeschooling!
good work, LJW.
Sounds like a great time was had by all. Holla Sweet Pea! 9 years old and helping with turkey dinner, you’re saving yourself 4 days of frantic calls from your daughter on her first turkey dinner 21 years fom now!
you make me laugh every time you post, Taylor! LD reminds me of my grandson who very proudly came into his parents living room a couple days ago, clad in a t-shirt – and that was all – and announced “mama! that new potty seat works great!” she just smiled at him and told him good, now go put some pants on, while I had to flop over on the couch I was laughing so hard! Congrats on the big holiday dinner! I think I was older than you when I first pulled it off, and I only had 1 child to handle!
Oh, I needed that laugh!
Congrats on your first turkey! My first one was delicious, but for some reason the second one I cooked did not cooperate as well, so beware. Glad to know my boys aren’t the only ones who mark their territory in front of guests. Just one of the perks of country living!
Taylor, dinner was truly A-mazing! I would have never guessed it was your first attempt! I will surely be calling you when I have to take my turn someday. 🙂
Hilarious. I blame the Iranians. If gas wasn’t so expensive, you could have had parents do it all for you in the big city. Next time I see my Genie I will wish for you a super brand new sleek large but gas-efficient rig so you may jet into the city guiltless whenever the need strikes. right after I wish for my house. Maybe there’s oil on your spread?
Um, if you got your house back in order and your kids in bed by 7pm, then you are not only the hostess with the mostest, you are WonderWoman. I’m pretty sure I’ve called you that before. 🙂
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